I Just Love Beverly Keel for Her, "open letter to Jessica Simpson"

An open letter to Jessica Simpson


Dear Jessica Simpson,

Word of your desire to make a country album has become a frequent topic of conversation here.
First of all, let me welcome you to Nashville. I encourage you to spend some time immersed in our wonderful creative community. There's nowhere else like it on earth.

As you embark on the next chapter of your young life, I encourage everybody to begin with a blank slate and no preconceived notions when they first meet you.

Few people can truly understand what it's been like for you to be constantly hunted by the paparazzi, and I'm sure more than a few erroneous stories have been repeated in the press. Few of us here actually know you, so we should begin by giving you the benefit of the doubt.

You are a lovely woman with a fine voice. My hope is that now you will focus on your artistry and work on developing an authentic, honest musical style. After your very public heartaches and disappointments, I'm sure you've got something to say.

Pair up with a few of our tunesmiths and pour those feelings into your songwriting. You'll get much more respect than if you quickly make an album of radio-friendly pop-country tunes. It's time to get serious, leave the L.A. flash behind and let your substance show through. Enough with using "dumb blonde" stereotypes as a marketing tool.

We take our country music and its heritage very seriously around here. I didn't take kindly to your lack of preparation for the Dolly Parton tribute at the Kennedy Center Honors. I found it unprofessional and disrespectful and was bothered that you wasted a spot that had been denied to many worthy country singers.

Given the wide exposure of that debacle, I'm sure you've learned your lesson. You're certainly not the first performer to make a mistake onstage.

It's time for all of us to move forward. If you treat us seriously, we'll try to do the same.

Be sure to visit the Tennessean and read Beverly Keel's column.

Middle Tennessee Barbies

Mattel recently announced the released of limited-edition Barbie Dolls for the Middle Tennessee market:

GREEN HILLS BARBIE:
This princess Barbie is sold only at Green Hills Mall. She comes with an assortment of Louis Vuitton handbags, a Lexus SUV, a long-haired foreign dog named Honey and a cookie-cutter luxury house. Available with or without Swan Ball tickets, tummy tuck and face lift. Workaholic Ken sold only in conjunction with the augmented version.

BELLEVUE BARBIE:
The modern day homemaker Barbie is available with Ford Winstar Minivan and matching gym outfit. She gets lost easily and has no full-time occupation. Traffic jamming cell phone sold separately.

DONELSON BARBIE:
This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun, a Ray Lewis knife, a Chevy with dark tinted windows, and a Meth Lab kit. This model is only available after dark and must be paid for in cash (preferably with small, untraceable bills)....Unless you're a cop, then we don't know what you're talking about.

FRANKLIN/COOL SPRINGS BARBIE:
This yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of BMW convertible or Hummer H2. Included are her own Starbucks cup, NM & Saks credit cards, Manolo Blahniks for night, Kate Spades for day, snap-on boobs and country club membership. Also available for this set are Shallow Ken and Private School Skipper. You won't be able to afford any of them.

BELLE MEADE BARBIE:
This Barbie comes with many of the same features as Franklin/Cool Springs Barbie; however, she has too much class from her old money upbringing to show it off. Vanderbilt Faculty Member Ken and Private School Snob Skipper also available. Like Franklin/Cool Springs Barbie, you won't be able to afford these either.

SPRINGFIELD BARBIE:
This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans two sizes too small, a NASCAR T-shirt and Tweety Birt tattoo on her shoulder. She has a 6-pack of Bud Light and a Hank Williams Jr. CD set. She can spit over 5 feet and kick Mullet-Haired Ken's butt when she is drunk. Purchase her pickup truck separately and get a Confederate flag bumper sticker absolutely free.

BRENTWOOD BARBIE:
This collagen-injected, rhino-plastic Barbie wears a leopard-print outfit and drinks cosmopolitans while entertaining friends. Percocet prescription available as well as warehouse conversion condo.

CHEATHAM COUNTY BARBIE:
This tobacco-chewing, brassy-haired Barbie has a pair of her own high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased Beer-Gut Ken out of Springfield Barbie's house. Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans, fake fingernails, a see-through halter top, and a University of Alabama baseball cap. Let's not forget the ass tattoo and thong. Also available with a mobile home.

HILLSBORO VILLAGE BARBIE:
This doll is made of actual tofu. She has long straight brown hair, archless feet, hairy armpits, no makeup, and Birkenstocks with white socks. She prefers that you call her "Willow" or "Pangaea" or some other New Age bullshit name. She does not want or need a Ken doll, but if you purchase two HILLSBORO VILLAGE Barbies and the optional Subaru wagon, you get a rainbow flag bumper sticker for free.

PRESTON TAYLOR/EDGEHILL/DODGE CITY/NORTH NASHVILLE/BORDEAUX BARBIE:
This Barbie is found in many areas and now comes with a stroller and infant doll. Optional accessories include a GED, mouth grill and bus pass. Gangsta Ken and his '79 Caddy were available, but are now very difficult to find since the addition of the infant.

HENDERSONVILLE BARBIE:
She's perfect in every way. We don't know where Ken is because he's always out a-'huntin'.

SOUTH NASHVILLE/EAST NASHVILLE BARBIE:
This versatile doll can be easily converted from Barbie to Ken by simply adding or subtracting the multiple snap-on parts. He/She can be found sipping fine wines or cuba libres at Tribe, browsing at Out Loud!, or dancing at The Chute. Don't look for this Barbie/Ken before 11pm along 8th Avenue South, as he/she is probably enjoying the drag show at The Chute or at Cabaret. White/gold stretch limo optional.

Also new for 2007:
Madison Barbie, Dickson County Barbie, TSU Barbie, and Antioch Barbie.
Full descriptions of these models coming soon!